I only wrote that because I had nothing else to say.
Lately, I feel like that all the time. It’s been quite a struggle this past month. But maybe, just maybe I’m beginning to see an end to it.
I hope so. Because going around pretending to be happy is HARD. I want to stop pretending.
Sometimes, as I said about a week ago, life just sucks. There’s not a damn thing you can do about it but keep on living.
And so, I have. I’ve gone to work, I’ve done an excellent job (I think) in a less than wonderful environment. I’ve managed to stay on top of Union business that I’d rather have just forgotten about, I’ve dealt with difficult people, difficult situations and managed to maintain my respectability and sanity. I’ve weathered my own little emotional crisis and have, amidst it all, found time to vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom.
Reason to celebrate! And, at least, smile a little bit.
Maybe it’s just the turning of the weather, the cold, hard fact that winter is nearly here. We did, after all, have snow today. The skies were gray, the wind was cold and tempers were frayed.
We’re waiting for the thermometer to finally drop well below 0 before we have to make that inevitable trip down into the basement, where we’ve got the winter boots stowed away in the space under the stairs. It’s a gloomy thought if you’re not 10 years old.
The thought that my grandkids are probably all looking forward to the magic of the first ‘real’ snowfall — the kind that blankets the world in white and transforms it into something new, strange and wonderful — is the only thing about the coming winter that can make me anticipate it in the slightest.
Once upon a time I enjoyed waiting for that first big snowfall because I loved the sense of surprise and wonder it brought to my son’s eyes when he saw it. Sadly, now, I’ve lost that.
When it’s just me staring outside into the dark morning, knowing that I’ve got to spend 5 minutes brushing the damn stuff off my car before I can leave for work all I can do is think of it with loathing.
Ah, tomorrow is Friday. For that I give thanks.