Thursday, bloody Thursday

I only wrote that because I had nothing else to say.

Lately, I feel like that all the time.  It’s been quite a struggle this past month.  But maybe, just maybe I’m beginning to see an end to it.

I hope so.  Because going around pretending to be happy is HARD.  I want to stop pretending.

Sometimes, as I said about a week ago, life just sucks.  There’s not a damn thing you can do about it but keep on living.

And so, I have.  I’ve gone to work, I’ve done an excellent job (I think) in a less than wonderful environment.  I’ve managed to stay on top of Union business that I’d rather have just forgotten about, I’ve dealt with difficult people, difficult situations and managed to maintain my respectability and sanity.  I’ve weathered my own little emotional crisis and have, amidst it all, found time to vacuum the living room and clean the bathroom.

Reason to celebrate!  And, at least, smile a little bit.

Maybe it’s just the turning of the weather, the cold, hard fact that winter is nearly here.  We did, after all, have snow today.  The skies were gray, the wind was cold and tempers were frayed.

We’re waiting for the thermometer to finally drop well below 0 before we have to make that inevitable trip down into the basement, where we’ve got the winter boots stowed away in the space under the stairs.  It’s a gloomy thought if you’re not 10 years old.

The thought that my grandkids are probably all looking forward to the magic of the first ‘real’ snowfall — the kind that blankets the world in white and transforms it into something new, strange and wonderful — is the only thing about the coming winter that can make me anticipate it in the slightest.

Once upon a time I enjoyed waiting for that first big snowfall because I loved the sense of surprise and wonder it brought to my son’s eyes when he saw it.  Sadly, now, I’ve lost that.

When it’s just me staring outside into the dark morning, knowing that I’ve got to spend 5 minutes brushing the damn stuff off my car before I can leave for work all I can do is think of it with loathing.

Ah, tomorrow is Friday.  For that I give thanks.

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7 Comments

  1. wightrabbit said,

    October 26, 2012 at 2:48 am

    Hi Kathy, have just caught up with your October posts and send you love and ((hugs)). What I love about you is that you tell it how it is ~ then find some great things to be grateful for. I have spent a lifetime keeping difficult feelings to myself and always putting a positive spin on everything ~ but this year I have broken through that, have expressed my unhappiness with this time of year and I’m actually taking positive measures to turn that around this year. I really enjoyed looking at your photos and reading about life in your part of the world. Britain seems to have one season this year ~ a rainy one! Take care 🙂

  2. klrs09 said,

    October 26, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Thank you so much — it is a tough time of year for me, and, like most people who struggle with dealing with difficult feelings I often convince myself that I’m alone. I know that that is not true, but somehow it becomes easier to just internalize and try to deal with those emotions (of lack of them as is sometimes the case) by myself. I really do think it is just the change of seasons, how they affect me.
    I’ve heard that Britain had a very wet year — hopefully, it turns itself around for the coming new one. All the best and keep smiling!

  3. grandmalin said,

    October 26, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Winter SUCKS!! Why do we live here?? (Well, that didn’t help your mood I’m sure, but you certainly aren’t alone when it comes to losing the ability to see the magic in it anymore.) Enjoy the weekend – stay warm.

    • klrs09 said,

      October 28, 2012 at 5:40 pm

      Thanks — no, it didn’t help, but I did smile. My grandkids came for a sleepover, so that made for a nice diversion. Here comes the snow!

  4. silver price said,

    October 27, 2012 at 11:28 am

    i was really hoping that we have a winter somewhat like last year. i don’t care for the ice and as long as we don’t get too much snow at one time i guess i can take it. it’s looking like i will probably use electric heater quite a bit this coming winter according to almanac it is going to be quite cold.

  5. October 28, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Hope your weekend is a very happy one, Kathy xx


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