Purge 9 of 100

Nothing physical purged today.  All mental and emotional.

I rid myself of these three things today: sadness, lethargy and malaise.

I’ll start with lethargy and malaise. It was -24, windy and snowing today. I could have easily chosen to stay inside and not go for my walk today. A couple of weeks ago I probably would have done just that.

But today I set a goal of leaving the apartment after 2 pm (that’s when the mail is delivered) and I didn’t hesitate once when it came time to go. I bundled up and away we (Dad and I) went.

And you know what? It wasn’t that bad. Sure, it was cold and the wind blowing in my face took my breath away once or twice, but honestly, it wasn’t bad. I talked to dad as I trudged through the drifting snow, glad I had him to keep me company. I walked up to the little shopping centre a few blocks from our building, completed my few errands and was home again by 3:30. A nice hot cup of tea and I was comfy, cozy and content.

Now for sadness. Despite feeling incrementally better these past couple of weeks I still find myself dealing with moments of incredible sadness. Writing this blog is helping with that, as are my daily walks and conversations with my father.

As I walked today I told dad that I wished I’d had it in me to talk to him the way I do now when he was alive. The wind was blowing really hard, so if he answered me, I didn’t hear him. Instead of feeling sad I actually felt a sense of joy.

There’s a story in our family of how my father once walked through a blizzard carrying my younger sister and I after his car got stuck in a snow drift. We lived out in the country and there was no traffic and no where for him to find shelter to wait out the storm. He knew we’d likely freeze if he didn’t get us home, so he bundled us up inside his big green army coat – one on his back, one in front and he set out in the direction of our home.

I wish I could remember that experience. I wish I could remember feeling his heart beating against mine as he struggled to get us to safety. I wish I could remember if he talked to us, told us stories to help us stay awake and calm. But, as with so much of my early life, I remember nothing. I know this story, and that he probably saved our lives only because my younger sister remembers and so did my dad and its been told numerous times.

I used to feel so sad because I couldn’t remember. And that there must be something wrong with me because I didn’t. Today, I felt that sadness and guilt lifted up and out of me on the blowing wind and swirling snow.

Thanks again dad.

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7 Comments

  1. Tracy Black said,

    January 10, 2018 at 8:27 am

    Oh my gosh Kathy that made me cry. I’m so glad you had that talk with Dad I’m sure he was glad of it too. Yesterday I had a Cardinal come and sit on my window sill for about 10 mins. He seemed agitated so I just talked to him through the glass. I told him we were all ok and that I missed him so much but not to worry because we were taking care of each other. I truly believe that little Cardinal was Dad just checking in.

    • klrs09 said,

      January 10, 2018 at 7:42 pm

      That is so sweet Tracy. I keep looking for ‘signs’ but I don’t find any. I like to think that he is with me and listening to me chatter on at him when I’m out walking. 😚

  2. Lori Richert said,

    January 10, 2018 at 11:04 am

    Okay, crying now.

    • klrs09 said,

      January 10, 2018 at 7:43 pm

      I’m writing these blogs so I don’t cry anymore. Thanks for reading.

  3. Shawn Black said,

    January 10, 2018 at 9:21 pm

    Kathy although I was to small to remember that when it happened. I did hear Dad tell that same story a few times, he truly was a hero as that was not the last time he would do what ever he had to do for us kids. I like you don’t remember all the details of what happened but he saved Carey and myself from impending doom in the mountains when we got swept away in a very rapid stream. What I do remember is this. I was swirling around in the water and Dad was yelling at me while he was running along the bank to calm down and just float. Then he was gone like a bullet ahead of me and got in the water. I remember he was shaking struggling to stand firm, and I got close enough he grabbed me by my hair. And pulled me out. Everything after that is a blur. Thanks Dad. Thanks for letting me remember that today Kathy. Love you

    • klrs09 said,

      January 10, 2018 at 10:12 pm

      I vaguely remember that incident. We were on holidays, going to Ontario. Mom and Dad were getting the camp ready. They told Tracy and I to keep an eye on you younger ones. Obviously, we didn’t do a good job. You wandered off down to the water and you and Carey were so little you got swept away. I don’t know who ran and got mom and dad, but thank God they did. He didn’t think twice about jumping in after you, that much I know. Man oh man, the stories our family has!

    • Lori Richert said,

      January 11, 2018 at 6:16 am

      I was there that day and remember that event although it is a bit fuzzy. it was very scary and yes Dad did save your lives. If I remember correctly Duane and Scott were in the water too but closer to the edge (they were obviously bigger and stronger) and were able to keep standing. They didn’t get swept away like you and Carey. Dad grabbed them out first then ran like crazy to get you two. I remember Mom waiting on shore being very afraid for all of you.


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