June 7th, Saturday

It’s early, I was up before 6:30 this morning.  So much on my mind.

Foremost this:  what is it that the Universe is trying to tell me?  What am I supposed to be waiting for?

Lately, it seems that no matter what I try, how hard I try, there is no success.

I believe, I really do, that things happen for a reason.  That if something is meant to be, it will be.

A good friend always tells me that I didn’t get whatever I was aiming for because there is something else, something better waiting for me.

I am seriously beginning to doubt that.

I know I have skills, experience, talent, enthusiasm, drive and determination.  I present well.  People seem to like me, seem to admire my work.

Not enough to give me the job, though.

It’s embarrassing and a little demoralizing. It makes me doubt myself. Makes me wonder if it’s because I’m OLD.

I’m in my mid-50’s.  I don’t feel OLD. I still feel pretty good.

Sure, I don’t have the vast stores of energy I once did, and I often find myself thinking that it’s okay to just let things slide, because I’m so conscious of time and that it’s starting to run out.

I think about my grandkids. They’re 9, going-to-be 7 in a few days and going-to-be 5 in a few months. Another 10 years and they’re going to be young adults. I’ll be in my mid-60’s then.

Will I still be chasing pavement then? Will I still have this sense of having not accomplished enough? Will I still be seeking validation?

It’s not a great way to wake up on a sunny Saturday morning.

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A beautiful morning. Trees heavy with frost, glimmering in the early morning sunshine. Made me smile. Believe. Spring it’s just around the corner.

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April 24th

Day 115 — I saw swans winging there way in a sunny blue sky this morning.  It made me smile.  I wished I could chase after them, but I was on my way to work.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about how nice it would be to not have to get up and go to work every day.  But the Universe has yet to bless me with enough money to make that a reality.  I’ll just have to keep believing that one day it will be so.

Damn!

Boston won.

’nuff said.

I do, however, believe that the Vancouver boys will take the cup.

Yes, indeedy, I do!